Geeeez Maaaaaan!

I have been rattled. I have been presented with evidence and a compelling argument that I can not ignore forcing me to disturb and labor upon one of the more significant foundations of the person I am today. I made a decision a long time ago based on hours and hours . . . AND HOURS of thought and consideration to behave and live in a certain manner because that is what I deserved and what would suit all parties the best. I made several predictions based on my course of action, and they all came to fruition, but there was one aberration that occurred that I was willing to ignore, but no longer can as I have have been informed that things may not necessarily be "OK."

Closure . . . the media has thrown a multitude of examples of what this concept is and how it is achieved. Two people find their intense relationship ended, but there are "emotional loose ends" left undone that gnaw at one or both of the partners. a professional (licensed MSW, LCSW) says that once a person believes these have been tied up in a post or mid break interaction, they have achieved closure and things are OK. They can continue forward without looking back too often.

For my part, there are no loose ends to be tied up. I chose to maintain full faith in our last words regarding what we shared and never questioned them or looked for inconsistencies in any way. Circumstances dictated that I deal with the situation alone and I was silently allowed to so. As more time passed, I found more and more reasons to hold myself, rather than the other, accountable for the situation I found myself in. I recollected and mentally documented many faults on my part to be coupled with (what I assumed to be) the other's fundamental inability to do this kind of long distance relationship.Thus, I have felt "OK" with things since because I took care of the loose ends that were torturing me. There may not have been two way input, but my efforts were so exhaustive and comprehensive that I had complete confidence that I had covered the truth of things.

Months to years of mutual silence help me to entrench the fact that I was right in my thoughts and decisions and I beleived I was OK with that. I was not going to de-evolve into one of those 30 year old cry-babies cursing some girl that broke his heart over 5 years before. It is a sad sight and I wish on nobody and refuse to deal with anyone that allows that to happen. Grow up, move on, and stop acting below my age! Anyway, I have acheived the goal thus far. But something happened . . .

I gesture was made . . . and I shook it off. I guessed how the interaction would play out and acted accordingly. I let my pride cause me to overlook something that may have been more than it seemed. It was only a matter of weeks before I doubted the wisdom of me letting my pride get the best of me in that situation. This gesture, I think, could be a marking turning point. It means something; my pride and fear whisper that addressing it is a needless effort and nothing significant will change while my logic and heart have come to beleive (with some outside help) that something is undone and I have to go back and undo my pride's work from a year ago.

It isn't going to be easy pulling this off. First, I have to deal with feeling like an idiot for taking almost a year to "wake the fuck up" and then the prospect of being feared makes me pretty angry. I am not a monster and never gave anyone any reason to fear me! Especially . . . Furthermore, I have known for sometime that there are things I don't know and my friends have respected my wishes in not telling me things I did not want to hear from anywhere other than the source. Thus, I fear how I may react to what I may learn. There are so many possibilities and I just don't want to have to deal with any newfound regret or bitterness.

Well, now that I have it out there, I guess I just have to do the thing. I need to talk to a couple people first, but I am going to do this. An outcome on one end of the spectrum will be a shrug of the shoulders and apology to myself for labeling myself prideful and "who knows what" on the other. We'll see.