It is Christmas eve and I am joined in the living room by family as we watch "Love Actually." Watching a christmas movie (dont argue with me, love actually is a Christmas movie!) on this evening has become somewhat of a tradition; and sitting here is very nostalgic and relaxing. The house looks more or less the same as I remember, and certain aromas still linger here from my childhood that often snap me back to the past. It is as if I were a kid again and I am digging it. It feels like the world has ceased to exist outside and the time on the clock of my life is standing still. There is practically no strain on me in any sense beyond how I am gonna indulge in the next wave of R&R.
I find it funny how I am never in the same place for Christmas every year, but the little traditions in every spot still manage to linger and persist over time as if I were there every consecutive Christmas. It is very comforting and I shall fall asleep with a broad grin on my face . . . figuratively.
With that said I must share that I haven't seen a lonely or sad Christmas as far as I can remember (and I would; being a Virgo and all). Even the one I spent alone in GTMO is not even a sad memory. I actually started my new tradition of watching The Polar Express on the Eve and sent shout outs to all my friends I was connected to on myspace. I didn't feel alone. Last year I closed at work on Christmas eve, which seems a drag, but it was actually nice to experience an event like that at job I like. I still got to share christmas with my family in palm springs after I got off that night and it was a really a nice Christmas.
I guess this can be explained by my practically fanatic enthusiasm for the holiday that I have had since I was a kid. It has waned some as I have gotten older, but time has thus far proven that the joy I find in this holiday (through one way or another) is incorruptible even if it is less spirited. With that, I hope this holiday proves joyful to all even if it means nothing to some. I should not be the only one out there enjoying tonight.
Merry Christmas everyone ^_^
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Holiday Season
Well . . . it is December first and my psyche has seemed to accept, on both levels of consciousness, that winter and the holiday season is upon us. The weather is consistently cool finally and I have actually worn some sort of sweater on more than one occasion a week. Furthermore, my eyes (and/or brain) are interpreting the atmosphere differently. I just look outside and can tell that the air is gonna be cool and crisp when I walk outside. I enjoy it. I also can't forget to mention that I have got my little tree out and lit and plenty of Christmas music to get the house sounding in the right mood if need be.
This (as well as thanksgiving) is arguably my favorite time of year. I seem to enjoy nature's as well as man's beauty a lot more at evening twilight and night time than during the day. The longer nights make fore me to enjoy it more. The way everything appears in the moonlight, the vast complexity of the night sky, the way Christmas and city lights light up the town and the fashions the ladies like to sport in the cold makes me truly treasure my sense of sight. Another sense of mine that appreciates this time of year is my sense of smell, the smell of burning wood from chimneys and burning food as everyone is making effort to make every meal possible a hot one.
I am a man that finds deep satisfaction in the accumulation and concurrent appreciation of simple pleasures and this time of year presents the most for my enjoyment. I am not quite as giddy as a school boy about this, but I am definitely gonna savor the time. I wish everyone the best this season and hope they truly sit back to enjoy a new simple pleasure they may have been overlooking all this time.
This (as well as thanksgiving) is arguably my favorite time of year. I seem to enjoy nature's as well as man's beauty a lot more at evening twilight and night time than during the day. The longer nights make fore me to enjoy it more. The way everything appears in the moonlight, the vast complexity of the night sky, the way Christmas and city lights light up the town and the fashions the ladies like to sport in the cold makes me truly treasure my sense of sight. Another sense of mine that appreciates this time of year is my sense of smell, the smell of burning wood from chimneys and burning food as everyone is making effort to make every meal possible a hot one.
I am a man that finds deep satisfaction in the accumulation and concurrent appreciation of simple pleasures and this time of year presents the most for my enjoyment. I am not quite as giddy as a school boy about this, but I am definitely gonna savor the time. I wish everyone the best this season and hope they truly sit back to enjoy a new simple pleasure they may have been overlooking all this time.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Now that I get to sit down to it
This has been on and off my mind for the last week. At the MCIA retreat, the following question was posed to me: "what has changed on MCIA and what has stayed the same?" This was a very difficult answer for me to fully articulate without prior consideration. I have been around for a large portion of the first three years of MCIA's existence and, more or less, the whole time the following years up to this point and could only think of one thing that has consistantly stayed the same since the teams start. As a disclaimer, I must admit that I am one who values change over tradition. There are small personal traditions I tend to cling to, but I don't do it with much struggle or affect. If something is meant to stay in place, it will. Change has proven a very good thing for MCIA in my opinion and I have conciously noticed the changes for the better that the team makes while not giving much thought to any traditions or patterns that have weathered time.
In terms of unchanging, I claimed to have only noticed one thing to last since MCIA's Alpha year. That is class attitude or mindset. I asserted to have noticed that certain class mindsets remain with most if not all members of a given class and are minimally influenced by the later classes. I actaully think this assumption somewhat uninformed and even unfair. It was the only thing that came to mind and only few people I can think of fit this criteria. I mean to rescind this answer if it is brought up again.
I can think of one small thing that has lasted from start to finish, but I beleive it to be most important. Every year, there is at least one person on MCIA that has this burning passion for the team that is difficult to match. They are usually cabinit members, but not always. These people have gone to great lengths and sacrifice for the team to keep it together and happy. Though drama is unavoidable, these people have done much to difuse it or end it ASAP. They are always apart of or actually initiating team outings and their dedication has never even been thought of to be questioned (ex:will they audition for someone else). Heros exist on MCIA and we have them every year, they are a big part of what has been holding the team together since its inception.
Other than that, the zeta team is vastly different from that from the Alpha and I think its wonderful. Many changes have occured and many of those changes have become unchanging traditions that have served as positive aspects of the MCIA experiance. I want MCIA to keep changing as time draws on, but I also do not want them to lose sight of where they came from.
KEEP UP ON THAT BOOK GUYS!!!
In terms of unchanging, I claimed to have only noticed one thing to last since MCIA's Alpha year. That is class attitude or mindset. I asserted to have noticed that certain class mindsets remain with most if not all members of a given class and are minimally influenced by the later classes. I actaully think this assumption somewhat uninformed and even unfair. It was the only thing that came to mind and only few people I can think of fit this criteria. I mean to rescind this answer if it is brought up again.
I can think of one small thing that has lasted from start to finish, but I beleive it to be most important. Every year, there is at least one person on MCIA that has this burning passion for the team that is difficult to match. They are usually cabinit members, but not always. These people have gone to great lengths and sacrifice for the team to keep it together and happy. Though drama is unavoidable, these people have done much to difuse it or end it ASAP. They are always apart of or actually initiating team outings and their dedication has never even been thought of to be questioned (ex:will they audition for someone else). Heros exist on MCIA and we have them every year, they are a big part of what has been holding the team together since its inception.
Other than that, the zeta team is vastly different from that from the Alpha and I think its wonderful. Many changes have occured and many of those changes have become unchanging traditions that have served as positive aspects of the MCIA experiance. I want MCIA to keep changing as time draws on, but I also do not want them to lose sight of where they came from.
KEEP UP ON THAT BOOK GUYS!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My mind . . .
I think my brain and I =) are in a good place. I hear lots of piers and close friends complain that they do not like to be alone with their thoughts for too long. I have not personally experienced that aversion for a long time. . . if ever. Maybe I am the type that will not let myself ignore significant problems or I just subconsciously enjoy dwelling on things that cause me pain until they no longer do. Anywho, several occasions of little and also significant affect have occured this week that kept me pondering my adjustment to something that happened long ago. I have come to a new or more informed conclusion regarding my behavior with all the lessons I have learned via life since then.
A dear friend had subtly suggested that I take action in a stride to make things "ok." This got the ball rolling after we discussed it a second time. I never really considered this because I came home from deployment having already convinced myself that I was "ok" and acted accordingly with practically no effort and minimal awkwardness. Thus, I never worried about it and my busy life with INO, MCIA, CANG, and school kept my thoughts busy and distracted from something that was far from sight and on the fringes of being forgotten. Well, now that I am an old fud merely supporting MCIA from the audience, a UCI alumni, and free of the national guard, I get a lot of me time and I ponder my circumstnaces a lot more often. I am actually glad for the oppertunity, since I get to better articulate me to myself and learn something. As a product of the pondering and the events of the last seven days, more or less, I have come to the conclusion that things are not "ok" but I have also articulated why it does not really affect me greatly.
My adjustment track is akin to that of someone who is robbed of a loved one by death. I am not claiming to have undergone such an experience nor understand that kind of pain, but I did experience a loss and dealt with it in solitary mourning. Some may say: "ok big deal, you had a bad/ugly breakup. . . so what?" Well, the thing is that; it wasn't bad and there wasn't any drama. A bitter word was never spoken on my part and there was not a single argument. What had happened was that I had this image of our relationship that set it apart from mere freindships and one of the characteristics that facilitated this beleife was an opennes we shared. It was one of the few things we still shared up to the end and I cherished it the most. Shortly after the break up, It was shown t me that we lost that willing opennes and I feared that such "down step" would plant and nurture seeds of bitterness in me that woild poison the freindship. Thus, I decided to "let go" as if she was taken away. We were thousands of miles apart and no longer shared anything beside the fact that we still cared about one another and wanted eachother to be happy. I did could not think of any other way to handle the situation, so I just kept to myself and trained my brain to accept "goodbye" as I sat atop those hills or inside the guard towers for 6 hours at a time.
As I have said before, it worked and my heart once again experiences more happiness than sadness on a consistent basis. Even when I had to face or cooperate with her on things, I actually was fine even though things were not quite OK. Reason being, I no longer knew who she was and she knew the same of me. I might as well had been meeting her all over again and I am honestly pretty hard to get to know unless either party is really interested/invested and I wasn't and she didn't express as much.
So she had soon after moved on and away and we have been in touch only once since then (which was weird to me). Things aren't "ok" and I don't anticipate that they ever will be. She left my world in the summer of 05 and was someone else since I returned home in april 06. I miss what we shared and I do hope she is happy in whatever she is into these days but, she doesn't seem to need me in her life to facilitate that and I'm doing fine without her to. And I think that in itself is ok.
Does this preclude me from finding love once again? I think not. At present, I really am not lookin for it and I am just super fuckin critical and won't waste my time and someone else's. I have a pretty good idea what is at stake and my dumb ass went through it twice already I don't think a third time will be the charm in this sense.
A dear friend had subtly suggested that I take action in a stride to make things "ok." This got the ball rolling after we discussed it a second time. I never really considered this because I came home from deployment having already convinced myself that I was "ok" and acted accordingly with practically no effort and minimal awkwardness. Thus, I never worried about it and my busy life with INO, MCIA, CANG, and school kept my thoughts busy and distracted from something that was far from sight and on the fringes of being forgotten. Well, now that I am an old fud merely supporting MCIA from the audience, a UCI alumni, and free of the national guard, I get a lot of me time and I ponder my circumstnaces a lot more often. I am actually glad for the oppertunity, since I get to better articulate me to myself and learn something. As a product of the pondering and the events of the last seven days, more or less, I have come to the conclusion that things are not "ok" but I have also articulated why it does not really affect me greatly.
My adjustment track is akin to that of someone who is robbed of a loved one by death. I am not claiming to have undergone such an experience nor understand that kind of pain, but I did experience a loss and dealt with it in solitary mourning. Some may say: "ok big deal, you had a bad/ugly breakup. . . so what?" Well, the thing is that; it wasn't bad and there wasn't any drama. A bitter word was never spoken on my part and there was not a single argument. What had happened was that I had this image of our relationship that set it apart from mere freindships and one of the characteristics that facilitated this beleife was an opennes we shared. It was one of the few things we still shared up to the end and I cherished it the most. Shortly after the break up, It was shown t me that we lost that willing opennes and I feared that such "down step" would plant and nurture seeds of bitterness in me that woild poison the freindship. Thus, I decided to "let go" as if she was taken away. We were thousands of miles apart and no longer shared anything beside the fact that we still cared about one another and wanted eachother to be happy. I did could not think of any other way to handle the situation, so I just kept to myself and trained my brain to accept "goodbye" as I sat atop those hills or inside the guard towers for 6 hours at a time.
As I have said before, it worked and my heart once again experiences more happiness than sadness on a consistent basis. Even when I had to face or cooperate with her on things, I actually was fine even though things were not quite OK. Reason being, I no longer knew who she was and she knew the same of me. I might as well had been meeting her all over again and I am honestly pretty hard to get to know unless either party is really interested/invested and I wasn't and she didn't express as much.
So she had soon after moved on and away and we have been in touch only once since then (which was weird to me). Things aren't "ok" and I don't anticipate that they ever will be. She left my world in the summer of 05 and was someone else since I returned home in april 06. I miss what we shared and I do hope she is happy in whatever she is into these days but, she doesn't seem to need me in her life to facilitate that and I'm doing fine without her to. And I think that in itself is ok.
Does this preclude me from finding love once again? I think not. At present, I really am not lookin for it and I am just super fuckin critical and won't waste my time and someone else's. I have a pretty good idea what is at stake and my dumb ass went through it twice already I don't think a third time will be the charm in this sense.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Work
I am at a good place with work. For the first time in a long time I feel that my contentment with my job overides my consternation with it. When I first returned from GITMO, I would have been exccedingly happy with any job that was not the National Guard. As long as I did not have to report to those idiots on a daily basis, I was as happy as could be. As time drew on; my infatution with In-N-Out faded as issues began ebbing at my patience.
I can say several negative things about my job, but the roots of all these things are few and fundamental. First, we are doing everything for the money over anything else. All decisions of the managers are influenced by how the earnings of the store will be affected. Thus, I am ultimately a mere associate number (54466) and often feel treated as such. My other issue is that the heirarchical structure of the company closely resembles that of the military and can similarly breed or effect personalities to the point where people I used to really like at first do not appeal to me as much anymore. Though this issue is not too significant. The structure also makes me super critical of managers/leaders. If they are going to treat me like I am stupid or disrespect me in any way; THEN THEY BETTER HAVE THEIR SHIT FUCKIN STRAIGHT!!!!!!! Nothing makes me angrier than a manager that can not perform thier function effectively to the point that it negatively effects my work experience on shift and then get on me for whatever I may be doing wrong. Another consideration is training is always slow and frusterating to me. I hate not being competent at something, and that shows when I am training. My dissapointment with my own perceived inadiquacy also influenced my mood at work. especially if people at work were not very supportive or encouraging.
Those points more or less are at the root of all the issues I have had. Since the late summer of 06 until just after I graduated this summer. I was jaded with work and was often in a bad mood during most of, if not all, of a shift. Now things are different, thank gosh. I do not get in a bad mood at work nearly as often and if I am quiet, it is because I am focused on what I am doing. I think my recent adjustment is attributable to a few points. Firstly, none of the managers get on my nerves enough to tick me off. Some may have annoying habits or lack experience, but none of them "get to me" regardless. Another fact is that I cook a lot. The fact that I am a cook and cook a lot means that the management thinks I am at least satisfactory at my position; which is very important to me. I feel being a level 6 and constantly working a position where level 4s and 5s belong is disrespectful in a sense. Like passively telling me that I am no good. That used to happen when I was a level 5 and my ego did not take it well. Lastly, I know that I am not gonna be there forever. I have a job/adventure I am taking on soon, and the job that I am not enchanted with will no longer have an indefinite and dismal looking hold on me. It is nice being a happy camper at work more often than not.
I have been contemplating how I will look back at my experience with the company in the future. I feel that my outlook will always be positive. INO makes great food, holds its associates to high standards of quality and service, treats its associates better than most employers I know, and is incredibly flexible with my personal life's schedule. The good has proven to outweigh the bad. I would not be happy making a career of INO I think, but it was the perfect college job.
Thank you INO, I got your back!
I can say several negative things about my job, but the roots of all these things are few and fundamental. First, we are doing everything for the money over anything else. All decisions of the managers are influenced by how the earnings of the store will be affected. Thus, I am ultimately a mere associate number (54466) and often feel treated as such. My other issue is that the heirarchical structure of the company closely resembles that of the military and can similarly breed or effect personalities to the point where people I used to really like at first do not appeal to me as much anymore. Though this issue is not too significant. The structure also makes me super critical of managers/leaders. If they are going to treat me like I am stupid or disrespect me in any way; THEN THEY BETTER HAVE THEIR SHIT FUCKIN STRAIGHT!!!!!!! Nothing makes me angrier than a manager that can not perform thier function effectively to the point that it negatively effects my work experience on shift and then get on me for whatever I may be doing wrong. Another consideration is training is always slow and frusterating to me. I hate not being competent at something, and that shows when I am training. My dissapointment with my own perceived inadiquacy also influenced my mood at work. especially if people at work were not very supportive or encouraging.
Those points more or less are at the root of all the issues I have had. Since the late summer of 06 until just after I graduated this summer. I was jaded with work and was often in a bad mood during most of, if not all, of a shift. Now things are different, thank gosh. I do not get in a bad mood at work nearly as often and if I am quiet, it is because I am focused on what I am doing. I think my recent adjustment is attributable to a few points. Firstly, none of the managers get on my nerves enough to tick me off. Some may have annoying habits or lack experience, but none of them "get to me" regardless. Another fact is that I cook a lot. The fact that I am a cook and cook a lot means that the management thinks I am at least satisfactory at my position; which is very important to me. I feel being a level 6 and constantly working a position where level 4s and 5s belong is disrespectful in a sense. Like passively telling me that I am no good. That used to happen when I was a level 5 and my ego did not take it well. Lastly, I know that I am not gonna be there forever. I have a job/adventure I am taking on soon, and the job that I am not enchanted with will no longer have an indefinite and dismal looking hold on me. It is nice being a happy camper at work more often than not.
I have been contemplating how I will look back at my experience with the company in the future. I feel that my outlook will always be positive. INO makes great food, holds its associates to high standards of quality and service, treats its associates better than most employers I know, and is incredibly flexible with my personal life's schedule. The good has proven to outweigh the bad. I would not be happy making a career of INO I think, but it was the perfect college job.
Thank you INO, I got your back!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Search
So I was enjoyin some catching up with Michi and our discussion turned to a subject that left me unsettled regarding my old dance team. I need to get the whole picture. I will systematically interview several returners as to make sure my imagination is turning things all out of sorts. I hope I am jumping the gun. If I am not though; I will definitely not be a happy camper.
Cross your finger for no: "to be continued. . ."
Cross your finger for no: "to be continued. . ."
Monday, November 10, 2008
Excitement!
The music lover in me has experienced the ultimate in satisfaction over the past week. Two of my favorite music artists, Benny Benassi & Kaskade, Have brought a exhilarating sense of satisfaction to my soul.
Firstly, I stumbled upon Benassi's recently released "Rock 'N' Rave" while searching for a particular track and have fallen in love. Benassi has always been one of my favorite Electro/House artists and this discovery has been an absolute treat. I have barely listened to anything else but that album since I (actually) purchased it off itunes. Like most of his albums, a lot of his tracks are quite similar in style and overall sound, but I love his overall flavor and thus enjoy every track individually regardless of how subtle the differences may be. I seriously have never rocked out to as many tracks on any one album. The musician in my soul offers a million thanks to you Mr. Benassi for being so amazingly funky! You will keep my body busy for a long time with this one.
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As for Kaskade. He is, hands down, my favorite house artist. More of his tracks reach to the utmost depths of my soul and soothe my consciousness than any other musician I have come across in my life. Many of his tracks, with their beautiful female vocals, funky beats, and calming nature concurrently reach to the lover, dancer, and "inner-peace seeker" within myself. I can actually say that, of all the songs I have been exposed to in my life, his "Sweet Love" is my favorite track to date. His music is a very big deal to me. With that being said, I was granted the most fortunate opportunity to go out dancing at a club that he was "spinnin" at for the evening. I was in a state of euphoria the whole time (and I attribute none of it to the little alcohol I had imbibed over the evening). He seriously "threw down" and I could not have been happier for those two and a half hours in time. I am so thankful to have been granted the opportunity to dance to one of my very favorite artists live. One less check box in my life to worry about now ^_^
Firstly, I stumbled upon Benassi's recently released "Rock 'N' Rave" while searching for a particular track and have fallen in love. Benassi has always been one of my favorite Electro/House artists and this discovery has been an absolute treat. I have barely listened to anything else but that album since I (actually) purchased it off itunes. Like most of his albums, a lot of his tracks are quite similar in style and overall sound, but I love his overall flavor and thus enjoy every track individually regardless of how subtle the differences may be. I seriously have never rocked out to as many tracks on any one album. The musician in my soul offers a million thanks to you Mr. Benassi for being so amazingly funky! You will keep my body busy for a long time with this one.
-front.jpg)
As for Kaskade. He is, hands down, my favorite house artist. More of his tracks reach to the utmost depths of my soul and soothe my consciousness than any other musician I have come across in my life. Many of his tracks, with their beautiful female vocals, funky beats, and calming nature concurrently reach to the lover, dancer, and "inner-peace seeker" within myself. I can actually say that, of all the songs I have been exposed to in my life, his "Sweet Love" is my favorite track to date. His music is a very big deal to me. With that being said, I was granted the most fortunate opportunity to go out dancing at a club that he was "spinnin" at for the evening. I was in a state of euphoria the whole time (and I attribute none of it to the little alcohol I had imbibed over the evening). He seriously "threw down" and I could not have been happier for those two and a half hours in time. I am so thankful to have been granted the opportunity to dance to one of my very favorite artists live. One less check box in my life to worry about now ^_^
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Urge
I still feel it . . . this need to leave. I want to get away and start a new trail so desperately. I do wonder if it is wrong of me to feel this way at times, but my logic keeps me from getting overly confused and anxious. I am running a trail that I have decided not to be content with and it bothers me from time to time when i get to think to myself. I will miss my friends and loved one's here, but I gotta go as they will when it is their time.
I am having my fair share of enjoyment with life's pleasures, but retrospection is always accompanied by some degree of guilt. I need to matter more. I need to earn my fun . . . sigh . . . good thing I am blessed with patience and wonderful people around me.
I am having my fair share of enjoyment with life's pleasures, but retrospection is always accompanied by some degree of guilt. I need to matter more. I need to earn my fun . . . sigh . . . good thing I am blessed with patience and wonderful people around me.
Monday, November 3, 2008
About Time
This one will be short and sweet as I have work in less than six hours.
I have been meaning to set up a new blog for a little over a week and have finally gotten around to doing so. Reason being is that I feel I have finally entered the "next chapter" of my life and actually plan to document it in a manner similar to that of my Mother. I will be far away from home in less than a year and hopefully this medium will facilitate those who care the most not losing touch with who I am and become amidst my coming trials and tribulations.
There is a lot on m mind recently and more will hopefully follow. Hope you do not become too bored.
I have been meaning to set up a new blog for a little over a week and have finally gotten around to doing so. Reason being is that I feel I have finally entered the "next chapter" of my life and actually plan to document it in a manner similar to that of my Mother. I will be far away from home in less than a year and hopefully this medium will facilitate those who care the most not losing touch with who I am and become amidst my coming trials and tribulations.
There is a lot on m mind recently and more will hopefully follow. Hope you do not become too bored.
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