My mind . . .

I think my brain and I =) are in a good place. I hear lots of piers and close friends complain that they do not like to be alone with their thoughts for too long. I have not personally experienced that aversion for a long time. . . if ever. Maybe I am the type that will not let myself ignore significant problems or I just subconsciously enjoy dwelling on things that cause me pain until they no longer do. Anywho, several occasions of little and also significant affect have occured this week that kept me pondering my adjustment to something that happened long ago. I have come to a new or more informed conclusion regarding my behavior with all the lessons I have learned via life since then.

A dear friend had subtly suggested that I take action in a stride to make things "ok." This got the ball rolling after we discussed it a second time. I never really considered this because I came home from deployment having already convinced myself that I was "ok" and acted accordingly with practically no effort and minimal awkwardness. Thus, I never worried about it and my busy life with INO, MCIA, CANG, and school kept my thoughts busy and distracted from something that was far from sight and on the fringes of being forgotten. Well, now that I am an old fud merely supporting MCIA from the audience, a UCI alumni, and free of the national guard, I get a lot of me time and I ponder my circumstnaces a lot more often. I am actually glad for the oppertunity, since I get to better articulate me to myself and learn something. As a product of the pondering and the events of the last seven days, more or less, I have come to the conclusion that things are not "ok" but I have also articulated why it does not really affect me greatly.

My adjustment track is akin to that of someone who is robbed of a loved one by death. I am not claiming to have undergone such an experience nor understand that kind of pain, but I did experience a loss and dealt with it in solitary mourning. Some may say: "ok big deal, you had a bad/ugly breakup. . . so what?" Well, the thing is that; it wasn't bad and there wasn't any drama. A bitter word was never spoken on my part and there was not a single argument. What had happened was that I had this image of our relationship that set it apart from mere freindships and one of the characteristics that facilitated this beleife was an opennes we shared. It was one of the few things we still shared up to the end and I cherished it the most. Shortly after the break up, It was shown t me that we lost that willing opennes and I feared that such "down step" would plant and nurture seeds of bitterness in me that woild poison the freindship. Thus, I decided to "let go" as if she was taken away. We were thousands of miles apart and no longer shared anything beside the fact that we still cared about one another and wanted eachother to be happy. I did could not think of any other way to handle the situation, so I just kept to myself and trained my brain to accept "goodbye" as I sat atop those hills or inside the guard towers for 6 hours at a time.

As I have said before, it worked and my heart once again experiences more happiness than sadness on a consistent basis. Even when I had to face or cooperate with her on things, I actually was fine even though things were not quite OK. Reason being, I no longer knew who she was and she knew the same of me. I might as well had been meeting her all over again and I am honestly pretty hard to get to know unless either party is really interested/invested and I wasn't and she didn't express as much.

So she had soon after moved on and away and we have been in touch only once since then (which was weird to me). Things aren't "ok" and I don't anticipate that they ever will be. She left my world in the summer of 05 and was someone else since I returned home in april 06. I miss what we shared and I do hope she is happy in whatever she is into these days but, she doesn't seem to need me in her life to facilitate that and I'm doing fine without her to. And I think that in itself is ok.

Does this preclude me from finding love once again? I think not. At present, I really am not lookin for it and I am just super fuckin critical and won't waste my time and someone else's. I have a pretty good idea what is at stake and my dumb ass went through it twice already I don't think a third time will be the charm in this sense.