How’s it rollin? I cannot believe I actually waited 8 days to write this. So much has gone on in the last 8 days. Well. . . not really but there is so much detail wound up in every experience due to it being new and novel that I feel like I could go on for pages about just one days experience at this point. Nonetheless neither you nor I have that kind of time so I will have to sell things somewhat short. So here it goes . . .
The rest of my time in training at Omiya went well. We all completed our training and I got feedback on various points that were encouraging and helpful. I was very optimistic about moving on to Nakayama (my branch/town). I was glad to get out of there. I was growing tired of living and sharing a space with a lot of people real fast, but fortunately its over. On our first day off before I moved to my pad. I went with 3 other teachers around our town. Our first stop was the local Shrine. I was so glad to have gone. It is hard to articulate the experience. I wasn’t merely seeing some ancient architecture or cultural artifact to take pictures, but something about being at that place made me feel at ease or at peace. I honestly felt that the location was stripping me of my worldly concerns and luring my soul to place of stillness. I didn’t say anything to my companions, but that place really affected me. If all shrines are like this, I cannot wait to get to the next one. From there we checked out a crude city zoo they had and explored their public park. It was a really nice trek and overall afternoon. On the next day, I just chilled got to the internet to hollar at those I haven’t gotten in touch with since I left. It was nice to reconnect with home.
Monday brought about my move to Nakayama. It was a full and good day. I said farewell to my comrades as they got off the train at stops before mine and finally met up with my head teacher. He is a pretty nice guy thus far. He showed me to the office where I met some of the staff that were there. Everyone made a good first impression. My manager and the two part time teachers there at the time were very welcoming and pleasant. I actually graduated from the same high school as one of them (she was a year ahead of me). How small is the world again LOL! From there I was taken to register with city card for my alien registration card, get a bank account and finally be moved into my apartment. I love it!! The best part about my place is . . . I share it with no one =p I do have to keep my noise down, but that is of no bother at this point. I have not yet been able to meet any of my illusive neighbors but my backyard does happen to be the local police station. Pretty funny huh? They aren’t Irvine cops, so I don’t mind. It would actually be cool to have some sort of morning greeting ritual with them. I think that would be funny. If that goes down, I will let you know.
Now I am settling in . . . to both my pad and job. I have been slowly arranging my apartment to suite my taste day by day. Its coming along slowly, but I am getting there. In terms of work, I have been trailing the teacher I am to replace and learning the ropes from him and taking tips from the other staff. So far I pretty much like everyone at the school. They have all been super nice and gracious and I couldn’t have been more lucky with my new crew I think. The students are all really nice as well. As most of you know, I will be having trouble with names, but it is almost my top priority to tackle that first so hopefully I have a good grasp on who is who when I take over officially on Tuesday. All and all the week has gone well thus far.
Today, it feels like things are starting to come together. I am remembering how things work and the higher staff has indicated that I am making a positive contribution in my efforts around the school already. I was pleased to get such remarks so soon. Also, a professional photographer from the head office came in and took pictures of all the staff that were present for both our branch website as well as possibly for ad campaigns if any of them a deemed good enough. It was an interesting day like all the rest. One thing that stuck out about the day took place just before I went home. My head teacher asked if I had taught or worked a similar job before this. He was impressed with how I interact with the students and was wondering where it came from. I told him it was cause of our students. Our students are better than I had hoped for during training in Omiya. They really want to be at class and excel and learning how to speak Eglish. Their drive and motivation drives me to be the way I am. They aren’t some spoiled priss-ass giving you shit cause they are hungry and don't want the food you made them. Rather, they want to be able to connect with me through language so they can engage a larger portion of the world in which they live. They are excited to accomplish this goal and project this excitement on me in the classroom and school lobby and I get off on that. As long as my students want to learn from me, I want to teach them. I see good things coming about based on this exchange. We’ll see.
I know I have skimped on many details, but this is long enough as is. Now that I am at my place, hopefully I can be better bout posting bout things in detail. Do hit me with follow up questions should you have any though.
Friday, June 19, 2009
June 11, 2009 10:06 JST
Yesterday was another full day. We learned and went over how tot teach parts of a children’s lesson in the morning and then taught adults a different type of class again in the evening. It all went pretty well I think. I think I had performed somewhat better than the day before for the students but I still need to slow down. It is a problem I think will be more solved by time rather than my willpower (as the past has shown), but I will be making any possible changes nonetheless to get my speed right. Other than that, I got really good feed back from my trainer and it was super encouraging. I can’t let it go to my head though. I noticed something about my peers in training though. It seems a good portion of them have gotten way caught up in all the processes we have been taught and are overlooking the student care aspect. I think it is a minor function of the intense training we are going through, but nonetheless, it seemed as if the these teachers were robots going through their motions and not being aware or sensitive to the atmosphere the were making in the classroom. It was a bummer to watch but, like I said, will go away when what they are doing becomes more natural. I hope.
The reason I noticed this is that the students I have worked with thus far are super motivated and enthusiastic about what they are doing. In class they consistently exceed and think beyond the help and support the book and teachers provide. This makes me want to be perfect for them. They are trying so hard and I want them to get as much out of their efforts as they can. They are really inspiring. I hope my students in Nakayama are the same for the most part.
After work I hit the Internet café for a short bit and then went to this wonderful restaurant where we got some Okonomiyake. It’s cooked like a pancake in that it has egg and batter to make its form, but there are also vegetables, meat/seafood, and whatever else you want on the inside. The manager of the restaurant prepared them for us at our table in front of us and talked to here a bit in our broken Japanese. It was actually really pleasant. She was so sweet and even gave some extra ingredients and gave 80 円 off our bill. We also talked to one of the servers there that was in college and had been studying English for 6 years. It was a fun chat and he was also really nice. I want to go back to that place again soon >_<
Afterwards it was homework then bed. Then today I woke up cleaned a bit and did the rest of the homework. Now I need to change and have at it. We get a free lunch today, so I am looking forward to that =P I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes!
The lunch was awesome!
The reason I noticed this is that the students I have worked with thus far are super motivated and enthusiastic about what they are doing. In class they consistently exceed and think beyond the help and support the book and teachers provide. This makes me want to be perfect for them. They are trying so hard and I want them to get as much out of their efforts as they can. They are really inspiring. I hope my students in Nakayama are the same for the most part.
After work I hit the Internet café for a short bit and then went to this wonderful restaurant where we got some Okonomiyake. It’s cooked like a pancake in that it has egg and batter to make its form, but there are also vegetables, meat/seafood, and whatever else you want on the inside. The manager of the restaurant prepared them for us at our table in front of us and talked to here a bit in our broken Japanese. It was actually really pleasant. She was so sweet and even gave some extra ingredients and gave 80 円 off our bill. We also talked to one of the servers there that was in college and had been studying English for 6 years. It was a fun chat and he was also really nice. I want to go back to that place again soon >_<
Afterwards it was homework then bed. Then today I woke up cleaned a bit and did the rest of the homework. Now I need to change and have at it. We get a free lunch today, so I am looking forward to that =P I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes!
The lunch was awesome!
June 9, 2009
Good morning, how’s it rollin?
The last three days have been really nice. I have gotten to do some exploring, I already met up with and made new friends, and training has commenced wonderfully. It isn’t too hot here quite yet, and may be due to consistent cloud cover everyday besides Saturday, which I have appreciated as I have had to walk to lunch during my breaks during training. Hehe they have 7 eleven and AM PM here and the food they sell are perfect lunches. It may just be the novelty of em, but I seem to like the ones more than those back in the states based them having more types of food I would actually consider eating for lunch. I also managed to get to the McDonald’s next door to the 7-eleven because I wanted to try to the Teriyaki burger they offer. It was pretty good. I won’t be eating there often, but I must say that the amount of service and care that go into the food and customer service there greatly exceed that of their counterparts in the states. Watching them do their thing actually resembled that of a diligent In-N-Out crew working at a McDonald’s. I want to also note that the menu is pretty simple. There were 8 meals and around 7 familiar items on their 100 and 120 円 (basically “dollar”) menus, as opposed to nearly 30 or 40 (?) different items one can get at one in the states.
I trained all day Saturday and Sunday. Including an hour break and a few 10-minute breaks here and there, training days are about 9 hours long. The trainers are all super kind and helpful. They have been instructing us how to go about presenting the materials they provide in a manner that has shown to be most effective to efficient and better learning over the years. We also just learned about how to teach kids . . . I am kind of nervous about it. I know I will have at least 8 kids classes, so I need to get confident and get over it. I’ll be depending a lot on my staff for tips and pointers I think. Overall, everything is actually pretty interesting, though I am anxious to learn and move on. I have been a student pretty much all my life. I want to do the job; I know I need the training but I am still really looking forward to getting to my branch school on Monday and starting the job for real. Today we practice our abilities on students they train in from schools around the area. I’m super excited! My first professional contact with Japanese people since I have gotten here . . . hopefully I do well. Ok I have to head off to work . . . Will complete this at the end of the work day . . . hopefully =P
It went well >_< My enthusiasm has held up thanks to the students as I though it would. Today we trained some on how we will be teaching tomorrow, but the highlight of the day came after lunch break when we started practice for the “mock class.” My partner and I got some good practice in and then they came; about 9 Japanese AEON students like those that I will be teaching. We were all staged in our little staging area and got to meet and chat with our three students that came in. They were very kind and seemed enthusiastic about speaking with us. It actually relaxed me, as I knew that they wanted to be there as much as I wanted to help them and that would make instruction considerably easier. So three of us did a practice lesson with the three and they were great. They were patient and super motivated. They even would exceed our instructions on certain parts of an activity. So helpful! I went last, but didn’t have much of a worry. I was fairly well rehearsed and I knew the students rocked. I wasn’t near perfect as any would expect, but the feedback I got back from the trainer was very encouraging. I might just be good at this and I am looking forward to doing more so I can find out. I will be good at this (if not the best) I promise. Students like those I had today deserve nothing less.
In terms of “personal time” stuff, I already had the great fortune of making some friends. One of my TAs from my Japanese class, Yosuke, was in Tokyo on Sunday and I met up with him and hung out with him, his friends as well as his older brother and his older brother’s friends (9 of us +1 more at dinner). We actually started off helping his older brother move from one apartment to the other. It was a super nice pad on the top floor of his building with a to-die-for view of the town he lived in (Ogikubo). It is super small according to American standards, but the quality couldn’t be beat. He had dark hardwood floors and the place had not yet been lived in. I was glad to have helped him move in order to see what different apartments are like and just see how moving works in Japan. Once we were finished, we headed into town where Yosuke’s brother treated us to some really good Japanese food and some Sapporo (beer). I had chicken sashimi, dried squid (almost like jerky) and a few other dishes I can’t remember the name of but I enjoyed it all. The best part of it all is I made friends with Yosuke’s brother and friends. I got away with 6 different sets of contact info and Yosuke’s brother even invited me to his concert this weekend. I think I am actually gonna try to go to >_< We shall see. . . Wow this is long. I will try to be more consistent so entries aren’t so ridiculous. Sorry!
The last three days have been really nice. I have gotten to do some exploring, I already met up with and made new friends, and training has commenced wonderfully. It isn’t too hot here quite yet, and may be due to consistent cloud cover everyday besides Saturday, which I have appreciated as I have had to walk to lunch during my breaks during training. Hehe they have 7 eleven and AM PM here and the food they sell are perfect lunches. It may just be the novelty of em, but I seem to like the ones more than those back in the states based them having more types of food I would actually consider eating for lunch. I also managed to get to the McDonald’s next door to the 7-eleven because I wanted to try to the Teriyaki burger they offer. It was pretty good. I won’t be eating there often, but I must say that the amount of service and care that go into the food and customer service there greatly exceed that of their counterparts in the states. Watching them do their thing actually resembled that of a diligent In-N-Out crew working at a McDonald’s. I want to also note that the menu is pretty simple. There were 8 meals and around 7 familiar items on their 100 and 120 円 (basically “dollar”) menus, as opposed to nearly 30 or 40 (?) different items one can get at one in the states.
I trained all day Saturday and Sunday. Including an hour break and a few 10-minute breaks here and there, training days are about 9 hours long. The trainers are all super kind and helpful. They have been instructing us how to go about presenting the materials they provide in a manner that has shown to be most effective to efficient and better learning over the years. We also just learned about how to teach kids . . . I am kind of nervous about it. I know I will have at least 8 kids classes, so I need to get confident and get over it. I’ll be depending a lot on my staff for tips and pointers I think. Overall, everything is actually pretty interesting, though I am anxious to learn and move on. I have been a student pretty much all my life. I want to do the job; I know I need the training but I am still really looking forward to getting to my branch school on Monday and starting the job for real. Today we practice our abilities on students they train in from schools around the area. I’m super excited! My first professional contact with Japanese people since I have gotten here . . . hopefully I do well. Ok I have to head off to work . . . Will complete this at the end of the work day . . . hopefully =P
It went well >_< My enthusiasm has held up thanks to the students as I though it would. Today we trained some on how we will be teaching tomorrow, but the highlight of the day came after lunch break when we started practice for the “mock class.” My partner and I got some good practice in and then they came; about 9 Japanese AEON students like those that I will be teaching. We were all staged in our little staging area and got to meet and chat with our three students that came in. They were very kind and seemed enthusiastic about speaking with us. It actually relaxed me, as I knew that they wanted to be there as much as I wanted to help them and that would make instruction considerably easier. So three of us did a practice lesson with the three and they were great. They were patient and super motivated. They even would exceed our instructions on certain parts of an activity. So helpful! I went last, but didn’t have much of a worry. I was fairly well rehearsed and I knew the students rocked. I wasn’t near perfect as any would expect, but the feedback I got back from the trainer was very encouraging. I might just be good at this and I am looking forward to doing more so I can find out. I will be good at this (if not the best) I promise. Students like those I had today deserve nothing less.
In terms of “personal time” stuff, I already had the great fortune of making some friends. One of my TAs from my Japanese class, Yosuke, was in Tokyo on Sunday and I met up with him and hung out with him, his friends as well as his older brother and his older brother’s friends (9 of us +1 more at dinner). We actually started off helping his older brother move from one apartment to the other. It was a super nice pad on the top floor of his building with a to-die-for view of the town he lived in (Ogikubo). It is super small according to American standards, but the quality couldn’t be beat. He had dark hardwood floors and the place had not yet been lived in. I was glad to have helped him move in order to see what different apartments are like and just see how moving works in Japan. Once we were finished, we headed into town where Yosuke’s brother treated us to some really good Japanese food and some Sapporo (beer). I had chicken sashimi, dried squid (almost like jerky) and a few other dishes I can’t remember the name of but I enjoyed it all. The best part of it all is I made friends with Yosuke’s brother and friends. I got away with 6 different sets of contact info and Yosuke’s brother even invited me to his concert this weekend. I think I am actually gonna try to go to >_< We shall see. . . Wow this is long. I will try to be more consistent so entries aren’t so ridiculous. Sorry!
June 5, 2009 19:47 JST Day 1
So it starts. I have embarked on my new journey and the first day went without any negative event thankfully. I had to transfer some weight from one bag to another at LAX, but that was the worst I had to deal with. I slept for at least six of the first 13 hour flight so I spent the day feeling sufficiently rested. My airline across the Pacific was China Airlines and I have nothing but good things to say about the experience. They were very helpful with check in, super accommodating all flight long (2 meals and plenty beverage runs!), and I like their uniforms. They reminded me of old school American stewardess style from the 50s. They look quite elegant and very attractive. The Japanese staff at customs was awesome also. If they weren’t wearing a mask, everyone greeted me with a smile or at least a kind tone that kept me at ease through the three customs stations I had to pass through. At one of them they actually took my picture and got prints of both my forefingers. I was surprised but commend their precautions. You can’t be too safe I guess.
After I got past customs, I waited 10 minutes till I met up with the AEON training rep. and other students. Everyone is really nice in the group I met with. There were 7 of us including the rep (4 Americans, 2 Aussies, and 1 New Zealander). The training house was about a 1:45 hour train ride away from the airport so I got to know some of the gang as we made our journey. I like the crew so far. A kind and interesting group of people they are. I also need to mention that my eyes were busy the whole train ride. Everything from the landscape to architecture is unfamiliar and I loved it. I feel like a foreigner and am enjoying the sensation at the moment.
Once we arrived to the training house, we met the rest of the staff that will be training us till next Friday and got a grand tour of the building. The layout is Japanese style and I am digging it. I am sharing a room with one other gentleman (Also from So Cal) and we are getting along well. I basically spent the evening preparing for tomorrow’s training and taking it easy. My long travel has caught up with me as I type this, so that is why this entry lacks some coherent structure and eloquence. As I turn in for the night, I have to say that I am excited and optimistic. I have finally begun my journey and I look forward for tomorrow in order to make it the best. Though a bit fatigued right meow, I am looking forward to it ^_^
After I got past customs, I waited 10 minutes till I met up with the AEON training rep. and other students. Everyone is really nice in the group I met with. There were 7 of us including the rep (4 Americans, 2 Aussies, and 1 New Zealander). The training house was about a 1:45 hour train ride away from the airport so I got to know some of the gang as we made our journey. I like the crew so far. A kind and interesting group of people they are. I also need to mention that my eyes were busy the whole train ride. Everything from the landscape to architecture is unfamiliar and I loved it. I feel like a foreigner and am enjoying the sensation at the moment.
Once we arrived to the training house, we met the rest of the staff that will be training us till next Friday and got a grand tour of the building. The layout is Japanese style and I am digging it. I am sharing a room with one other gentleman (Also from So Cal) and we are getting along well. I basically spent the evening preparing for tomorrow’s training and taking it easy. My long travel has caught up with me as I type this, so that is why this entry lacks some coherent structure and eloquence. As I turn in for the night, I have to say that I am excited and optimistic. I have finally begun my journey and I look forward for tomorrow in order to make it the best. Though a bit fatigued right meow, I am looking forward to it ^_^
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Productive
I swear I find the weirdest times to take care of things. I wasn't able to sleep and had stuff on my mind, and thus decided it would be best to handle them at this very instant even though I am on vacation. I'm such a goofball.
Anywho, I am in Nor Cal stayin with one of my closest friends, Michi. I am having one of the nicest times of my life up here. I have zero pressing obligations, Michi's wonderful company and her family's amazing hospitality, and I got to also spend time an old friend from MCIA I have not heard from in a long time.
The drive up was really quick and very nice as Michi, Cynthia, and I chatted it up the whole way. On day one (yesterday) we found ourselves exploring SF in the Castro and Mission (roads) areas, kicked back at Michi's place, had some bomb dinner at a local chinese joint, and then went to a random 18+ club that seemed quite "high school," but the DJ was bangin, so we didn't really notice.
There was a lot of deep conversation that went down today as well. I learned a lot about both my friends, as they did me, and it is difficult to articulate the content and "at ease" feeling im experiencing. I honestly could not ask for more from this vacation. Today and monday morning are going to be quite the bonus ^_^
Oh yeah! I did it. I need to hit the send button to finalize the process, but I have taken that step to possibly tie up an important loose end. It feels really good actually to have just done it. We shall see what time has in store. . .
Anywho, I am in Nor Cal stayin with one of my closest friends, Michi. I am having one of the nicest times of my life up here. I have zero pressing obligations, Michi's wonderful company and her family's amazing hospitality, and I got to also spend time an old friend from MCIA I have not heard from in a long time.
The drive up was really quick and very nice as Michi, Cynthia, and I chatted it up the whole way. On day one (yesterday) we found ourselves exploring SF in the Castro and Mission (roads) areas, kicked back at Michi's place, had some bomb dinner at a local chinese joint, and then went to a random 18+ club that seemed quite "high school," but the DJ was bangin, so we didn't really notice.
There was a lot of deep conversation that went down today as well. I learned a lot about both my friends, as they did me, and it is difficult to articulate the content and "at ease" feeling im experiencing. I honestly could not ask for more from this vacation. Today and monday morning are going to be quite the bonus ^_^
Oh yeah! I did it. I need to hit the send button to finalize the process, but I have taken that step to possibly tie up an important loose end. It feels really good actually to have just done it. We shall see what time has in store. . .
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Geeeez Maaaaaan!
I have been rattled. I have been presented with evidence and a compelling argument that I can not ignore forcing me to disturb and labor upon one of the more significant foundations of the person I am today. I made a decision a long time ago based on hours and hours . . . AND HOURS of thought and consideration to behave and live in a certain manner because that is what I deserved and what would suit all parties the best. I made several predictions based on my course of action, and they all came to fruition, but there was one aberration that occurred that I was willing to ignore, but no longer can as I have have been informed that things may not necessarily be "OK."
Closure . . . the media has thrown a multitude of examples of what this concept is and how it is achieved. Two people find their intense relationship ended, but there are "emotional loose ends" left undone that gnaw at one or both of the partners. a professional (licensed MSW, LCSW) says that once a person believes these have been tied up in a post or mid break interaction, they have achieved closure and things are OK. They can continue forward without looking back too often.
For my part, there are no loose ends to be tied up. I chose to maintain full faith in our last words regarding what we shared and never questioned them or looked for inconsistencies in any way. Circumstances dictated that I deal with the situation alone and I was silently allowed to so. As more time passed, I found more and more reasons to hold myself, rather than the other, accountable for the situation I found myself in. I recollected and mentally documented many faults on my part to be coupled with (what I assumed to be) the other's fundamental inability to do this kind of long distance relationship.Thus, I have felt "OK" with things since because I took care of the loose ends that were torturing me. There may not have been two way input, but my efforts were so exhaustive and comprehensive that I had complete confidence that I had covered the truth of things.
Months to years of mutual silence help me to entrench the fact that I was right in my thoughts and decisions and I beleived I was OK with that. I was not going to de-evolve into one of those 30 year old cry-babies cursing some girl that broke his heart over 5 years before. It is a sad sight and I wish on nobody and refuse to deal with anyone that allows that to happen. Grow up, move on, and stop acting below my age! Anyway, I have acheived the goal thus far. But something happened . . .
I gesture was made . . . and I shook it off. I guessed how the interaction would play out and acted accordingly. I let my pride cause me to overlook something that may have been more than it seemed. It was only a matter of weeks before I doubted the wisdom of me letting my pride get the best of me in that situation. This gesture, I think, could be a marking turning point. It means something; my pride and fear whisper that addressing it is a needless effort and nothing significant will change while my logic and heart have come to beleive (with some outside help) that something is undone and I have to go back and undo my pride's work from a year ago.
It isn't going to be easy pulling this off. First, I have to deal with feeling like an idiot for taking almost a year to "wake the fuck up" and then the prospect of being feared makes me pretty angry. I am not a monster and never gave anyone any reason to fear me! Especially . . . Furthermore, I have known for sometime that there are things I don't know and my friends have respected my wishes in not telling me things I did not want to hear from anywhere other than the source. Thus, I fear how I may react to what I may learn. There are so many possibilities and I just don't want to have to deal with any newfound regret or bitterness.
Well, now that I have it out there, I guess I just have to do the thing. I need to talk to a couple people first, but I am going to do this. An outcome on one end of the spectrum will be a shrug of the shoulders and apology to myself for labeling myself prideful and "who knows what" on the other. We'll see.
Closure . . . the media has thrown a multitude of examples of what this concept is and how it is achieved. Two people find their intense relationship ended, but there are "emotional loose ends" left undone that gnaw at one or both of the partners. a professional (licensed MSW, LCSW) says that once a person believes these have been tied up in a post or mid break interaction, they have achieved closure and things are OK. They can continue forward without looking back too often.
For my part, there are no loose ends to be tied up. I chose to maintain full faith in our last words regarding what we shared and never questioned them or looked for inconsistencies in any way. Circumstances dictated that I deal with the situation alone and I was silently allowed to so. As more time passed, I found more and more reasons to hold myself, rather than the other, accountable for the situation I found myself in. I recollected and mentally documented many faults on my part to be coupled with (what I assumed to be) the other's fundamental inability to do this kind of long distance relationship.Thus, I have felt "OK" with things since because I took care of the loose ends that were torturing me. There may not have been two way input, but my efforts were so exhaustive and comprehensive that I had complete confidence that I had covered the truth of things.
Months to years of mutual silence help me to entrench the fact that I was right in my thoughts and decisions and I beleived I was OK with that. I was not going to de-evolve into one of those 30 year old cry-babies cursing some girl that broke his heart over 5 years before. It is a sad sight and I wish on nobody and refuse to deal with anyone that allows that to happen. Grow up, move on, and stop acting below my age! Anyway, I have acheived the goal thus far. But something happened . . .
I gesture was made . . . and I shook it off. I guessed how the interaction would play out and acted accordingly. I let my pride cause me to overlook something that may have been more than it seemed. It was only a matter of weeks before I doubted the wisdom of me letting my pride get the best of me in that situation. This gesture, I think, could be a marking turning point. It means something; my pride and fear whisper that addressing it is a needless effort and nothing significant will change while my logic and heart have come to beleive (with some outside help) that something is undone and I have to go back and undo my pride's work from a year ago.
It isn't going to be easy pulling this off. First, I have to deal with feeling like an idiot for taking almost a year to "wake the fuck up" and then the prospect of being feared makes me pretty angry. I am not a monster and never gave anyone any reason to fear me! Especially . . . Furthermore, I have known for sometime that there are things I don't know and my friends have respected my wishes in not telling me things I did not want to hear from anywhere other than the source. Thus, I fear how I may react to what I may learn. There are so many possibilities and I just don't want to have to deal with any newfound regret or bitterness.
Well, now that I have it out there, I guess I just have to do the thing. I need to talk to a couple people first, but I am going to do this. An outcome on one end of the spectrum will be a shrug of the shoulders and apology to myself for labeling myself prideful and "who knows what" on the other. We'll see.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Interesting
One of my prior room mates once told me that I "have enough friends." I didn't get it. I have always been accustomed to being involved in many activities at once and having the time with people in my several different domains was enough for me. When I came to Irvine in 06 I decided to try and actually establish ties that weren't superficial or constrained by the domain they took place in. I spent time with co workers out side of work and chilled with team mates and classmates outside of class and practice. I got close to a lot of people at once, and before I knew it, I had little time to take care of my responsibilities and practically no time for myself (but I had had enough of that in Cuba). I overcompensated. I experienced a good deal of drama and self inflicted anxiety at the prospect of failing or dissapointing some of the closer of my friends.
I honestly was in over my head, but did my best. Things happened and lives took their courses and distances were made or at least were allowed to do so. I have learned a lot from reflecting on the time that has passed since my return in 06 and have come to a conclusion for the future based on a change I have discovered in myself. I am actually happy when I am all by myself with nothing to do but kill time in a way I see fit. I no longer yearn for some other's company all the time or feel the need to be doing something. I actually want more time for myself to enjoy life's simple pleasures by myself. Moreover, I need to be good at something again. I don't agree with a lot about work or care (various reasons) enough to be the best there, and I dont really shine with my volunteer work either. I also don't have the time to make for a lot of my friends anymore and my helplessness there saddens me. I need focus . . .
Thus, I am going to Japan with this resolution in mind: I need to be a good Teacher. My top priority will be doing my job and doing it well. I am going to do my very best to make a deep impression at my Nakayama School. Doing things with co workers or getting cught up in some activity will wait till I am convinced I am a good teacher. No activities, no volunteering, and no girls till I am rightly satisfied with myself. Once that happens, I will be ready to take on other things . . . but slowly . . . and one at a time.
I honestly was in over my head, but did my best. Things happened and lives took their courses and distances were made or at least were allowed to do so. I have learned a lot from reflecting on the time that has passed since my return in 06 and have come to a conclusion for the future based on a change I have discovered in myself. I am actually happy when I am all by myself with nothing to do but kill time in a way I see fit. I no longer yearn for some other's company all the time or feel the need to be doing something. I actually want more time for myself to enjoy life's simple pleasures by myself. Moreover, I need to be good at something again. I don't agree with a lot about work or care (various reasons) enough to be the best there, and I dont really shine with my volunteer work either. I also don't have the time to make for a lot of my friends anymore and my helplessness there saddens me. I need focus . . .
Thus, I am going to Japan with this resolution in mind: I need to be a good Teacher. My top priority will be doing my job and doing it well. I am going to do my very best to make a deep impression at my Nakayama School. Doing things with co workers or getting cught up in some activity will wait till I am convinced I am a good teacher. No activities, no volunteering, and no girls till I am rightly satisfied with myself. Once that happens, I will be ready to take on other things . . . but slowly . . . and one at a time.
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